After my abuse, my mom used to say she felt like she had to scrape me off the ground with a spatula.

Middle school is a hard time for children, but especially if you’ve just been abused by a pastor and blamed by the church for “seducing” a grown man at 11 years old.

I remember watching Saturday morning cartoons and suddenly a Calvin Klein commercial came on. The modeling icon of the 90s, Kate Moss, draped herself over a male model, both of them wearing those highly sought after black panties with the white band that read “Calvin Klein” along the band.

I sat there, eating of peanut butter dipped in Kellogg’s Pops! Cereal by the spoonfuls and suddenly felt disgusted with myself. 

My pudgy belly and broken heart were hidden under an oversized tee shirt.

That was the moment I decided to throw up.

What I know now is that I was trying to undo something using an outward method that would NEVER be fixed from the outside.

I did this for 8 years before I got help, but during this dark time, I remember praying:

“God, if I’m 16 and still doing this…I’ll tell someone.”

Sixteen came and went, I didn’t get help.

Eventually bulimia made me go into amenorrhea, but not before getting pregnant and miscarrying the baby due to the inability to support a life as 15 years bulimic with a growing drug addiction.

It wasn’t until I was 19, after I became a Christian that I finally got help with my eating disorder.

The moment I signed the papers for an outpatient clinic, I was set free. Therapy and re-learning how to eat was necessary, but God did the biggest work with my eating disorder.

If you are struggling, the two things I always recommend are:

  • prayer
  • confession

My prayer is that we realize that problems with eating are usually coping mechanisms for bigger issues. Instead of feeling bad that you “can’t control” yourself, maybe look a little deeper and ask yourself “what purpose is this addiction/disorder serving?” 

Remember: There is light coming into your darkness.